Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
