It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
