Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
