Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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