y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
