Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
