I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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