I hate your face
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
