Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
