So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There r osticjed everywhere
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize