My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
