Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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