You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
