UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
