I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
this beer tastes like vomit already
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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