I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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