I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
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The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.