are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
