then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
