4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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