so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
