Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
