so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
