all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
