I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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