So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
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Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
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Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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