I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
