I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
