Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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