my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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