Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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