Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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