I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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