: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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