I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
