My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
