You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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