so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
