Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
