happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
