@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
