Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
