Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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