Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
