Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
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Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
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In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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