What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
