evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it glows. i had to have it.
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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