I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
