I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
