Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
