Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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