Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
