New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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