Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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