I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
