i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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